sPHENIX discussion of physics

[Sarah Campbell <campbels AT gmail.com>]

Hey Megan-

I read your proceedings.  I think they are well written and informative.  My comments are mainly about writing style with the occasional typos found and are listed at the bottom of this email.

-Sarah

Abstract:

3rd sentence: It starts "With advanced knowledge..."  I feel like you are burying the lead here and that the sentence would be stronger if you broke it up into two sentences and started with "A new detector at RHIC is needed to measure... This will benefit from advances in heavy ion jet reconstruction and increased luminosity...." -- A taste-based suggestion only, take it or leave it.

In the abstract you list the pseudo-rapidity range as -1.1 to 1.1 but later in Section 2 you list the ranges as -1 to 1 in pseudorapidity (pseudorapdity is mis-spelled here and without a hyphen.)  The proposal lists |eta| < 1.1, maybe just go with that.  I prefer non-hyphenated pseudorapidity, but which ever you chose you should be consistent.

Section 1:

1st paragraph:

1st sentence: "in its recommendations" doesn't add to the sentence and should be removed.

2nd sentence:  I dislike talking about the end of the RHIC scientific mission.  Maybe I am in denial, but I'd rather not call attention to the end of RHIC in a proceeding about this great new future experiment at RHIC.  So I'd replace, "As RHIC completes its scientific mission, " with either "At RHIC, " or "As RHIC continues its scientific mission, "

4th sentence: "Therefore, " is unnecessary.

Last sentence: Clauses that begin with which are always preceded by a comma, clauses that begin with that are not.  Choose accordingly.

2nd paragraph, 1st sentence: I feel like this sentence could be better but I'm not sure how to do it.  Maybe if you started with "sPHENIX will be able to collect... thanks to a high rate data... and the high luminosity RHIC can deliver..."

Figure 1 caption, last sentence: "Hcal" -> "HCal"

Section 2:

Last sentence, 2nd paragraph:  This is the other -1 < eta < 1 sentence mentioned in the abstract comment.

Section 2.1:

1st sentence: I think this would be stronger if you flip your clauses around and went with "A high resolution tracking system is essential to complete..."

2nd to last sentence: You don't need "However," here.

Figure 2 caption:  You should mention/describe each of the pictures shown as you do in Figure 3.

Section 2.2:

2nd sentence: "The electron identification..." -> "Electron identification"

3rd, 4th, last sentences:  Clauses that begin with which are separated by commas, clauses that begin with that are not.  Choose accordingly.

4th sentence: It would be nice to give the total number of channels here, 96 x 256 = ##

Last sentence: You don't need the "However," here.

Figure 3 caption: 2nd sentence: Left is misspelled. 3rd sentence: You should refer to the (Right) plot.

Section 2.3:

1st sentence: "The purpose of the HCals are to measure" --> "The HCals will measure" but if you really want it should be "The purpose of the HCals is to measure"

2nd sentence: "The energy in the HCal and EMCal are used to" --> "The energy in the HCal and EMCal is used to" or "The energies in the HCal and EMCal are used to"

4th sentence:  I think this sentence would better fit in the second paragraph of section 2 when you first describe both the magnet and detector design.

2nd paragraph, 3rd sentence: Figure 2 shows the unwrapped outer HCal tile, not Figure 3.

2nd paragraph, 7th sentence: You don't need "For the full coverage" and can remove it --> "This results in 2x24x64 = # readout channels."

Section 2.4:

1st sentence: "have been constructed and were tested at the test beam" --> "were constructed at BNL and tested at the test beam" So you keep the same verb tense.

2nd sentence: Figure label is ?? and should be Figure 3.

3rd sentence: You don't need the word different in this sentence.

Section 3:

3rd sentence: We have meetings and different types of meetings.  This seems like a weird thing to say.  I would leave this sentence out.

4th sentence: "prototypes look promising" --> "prototypes are promising" is stronger

7th sentence:  I'd split this up into 2 sentences.  "The new detectors and high data rate will allow sPHENIX to make high statistics measurements over a larger kinematic range than previous RHIC experiments.  This is (instead of will be?) essential to measure (instead of for measuring) important observables such as..."

last sentence: "as RHIC completes" --> "as RHIC continues"

Again, it's really a very good proceeding.  I hope you don't mind all of my suggestions, some of them are just my taste/preference.  

-Sarah

On Tue, Jun 7, 2016 at 12:08 PM, Megan Connors <meganEconnors AT gmail.com> wrote:

Dear all,

I have saved a copy of my proceeding for WWND to my dropbox. The deadline for submission was extended to June 15. Please let me know if you have any comments or suggestions.

https://www.dropbox.com/s/14q1twd87md1qzh/WWND2016Connorsv1.pdf?dl=0

Thanks,

-Megan

_______________________________________________
Sphenix-physics-l mailing list
Sphenix-physics-l AT lists.bnl.gov
https://lists.bnl.gov/mailman/listinfo/sphenix-physics-l

--

Sarah Campbell

Columbia University